People ….

For when it is over, the great shrinking begins, the tightness in my chest comes back, the rock sinks down to the bottom, the humming bird takes flight once more. The ghosts will once again laugh, cry and whisper stories into my eyes. I will again become no one walking in the maze. No money. No face. A forgotten moment celebrated by those who where there. A body that was first in the dungeon … then on the boat, dying, surviving, getting sick and never quite getting better … staying behind thinking the others had been rescued … – Adia Tamar Whitaker –

People keep asking me how it’s going  … I wish there were poems in the front of my mouth … I’ve tried to avoid answering as much as I can cuz I know the truth will come out … No one wants to hear about that. They came to see a show … lol. Sacrifice is a part of being a dreamer. We all have to do it at one point or another. Hopefully not to our detriment … People keep asking if I need help and making suggestions about what I “should” be doing to promote “Ampey!”, but they always need MAD instruction to make all these things happen and I’m only ONE person. My time and energy are stretched out as far as they can reach. I have no space left to delegate, request, send or imagine any more than I already am. There are sixteen days left until opening night. People are barely donating to the “Ampey!” Kickstarter this month. That makes me super nervous. We made enough money at our fundraisers to get what we need for this week, but we can’t get into the space until next week AND I can’t afford to front the bread for my costume alterations and props. The tailor already did me a favor. He’s expecting money when I go to New York next week, but I haven’t had a steady gig since June. I still have to get more costumes altered, but I’m sure he won’t do it if I owe him money. I’m already in crazy debt. I have no idea where my November rent is coming from. Our last work in progress showing is on Saturday October 30, 2010 from 1p -4p @ Counterpulse. I hope you make it through. It’s free!

“Ampey!” still isn’t quite finished. I am praying that a money miracle is around the corner … if not, this whole experience is reaffirming my commitment to letting go of my artist journey in this manifestation.  You know … the one where I conjure up an extraordinary whirlwind of folklore and end up broke afterwards. Yeah. Lately I’ve been finding myself almost in tears thinking about what my life would be like if it wasn’t this.  This is all I’ve known for so long.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and so sad at the same time. Counterpulse, the cast of “Ampey!” and many others are doing everything in their power to support me, but ….. I fear that I’ve stayed on this path for too long. No one said it would be easy, but now the imbalance of what I put out vs. the financial support put into supporting that has far to great a hold on my creative range of motion. I worry all the time that I won’t have everything I need to make this new section of “Ampey!” look right. I have a twitch that’s growing stronger as the shows gets closer and migraines that be pounding me down and taking my vision away. This is unacceptable. I’ve done my best to make it work in this way, but I’m thinking it might be time to step off a lil taste. It’s been soooo much fun! Like it’s AMAZING the work that myself and all the ridiculously talented souls that have passed through ASE squeeze from pennies and magic. I’m always gonna be who I am and do what I do. That’ll never change. It’s just time for me to reassess, reorganize and reinvent. You know self care and sustainability. I want all of us to go green in our pockets AND make this art! I know … it’s America … this is way too much to ask in a country that doesn’t have a National Dance Ensemble or Ministry of Arts and Culture  …